You Are at Greater Risk of Parental Burnout When Raising Children With Neurodiversity
Self-care is critical for parents and primary caregivers and essential to the level of co-regulation and emotional safety needed by children with neurodiversity.
Notice the signs of burnout, and don’t lose hope. There are things that can help.
(6 min read)
Parenting a child with neurodiversity is often accompanied by a level of intensity that can feel relentless. In addition to regular life pressures and parenting demands, you cater to the unique needs of your child(ren), coordinate and schedule therapies and care, and manage the costs. You may also do all of this in a vacuum of support.
It is easy for parents of neurodivergent children to find themselves in a chronic state of physical, mental, or emotional burnout.
As a parent, you are responsible for your child’s development. You identify their strengths and what is getting in the way of their excellent qualities being fully revealed. Alongside these intrinsic qualities, there are practical life skills too. However, both of these require a certain baseline of regulation to cultivate. Therefore, co-regulation is critical to your parenting and incredibly helpful to a child with neurodiversity. If you are running ragged, co-regulating becomes very difficult. Additional scrutiny of your child and parenting abilities can further tip the balance.
Notice the Signs of Parental Burnout
Burnout can happen for any parent, but there are increased risks for parents with a child (or two) with neurodiversity at home. In my work with other parents and being one myself, I’ve noticed the following signs of burnout:
being in constant survival mode, finding you’re reactive instead of proactive
feeling overwhelmed or exhausted when it comes to parenting
being emotionally distanced from your children or partner — perhaps you find excuses to escape and be busy around the house rather than be genuinely present, or maybe you place blame or hold a little resentment for all the trouble and disruptions in your life
feeling ineffective and unsure of your ability to parent well, feeling disempowered and more susceptible to how others perceive your parenting through your child’s behaviors
losing your temper or getting snippy more regularly with your children or partner
getting caught up in a vicious cycle of being tired, making mistakes, and feeling guilty
The following attitudes and situations can further compound parental burnout:
perfectionism, including the pressure to be the “perfect” parent or family and expectations for your child to behave perfectly in social or public settings
lack of support from a coparent, extended family, or community
both parents work outside the home
financial concerns and health insurance management
being inundated with conflicting and not necessarily helpful advice about your child’s behavior, your parenting, or your family life
complex logistics and over-scheduled children
It is also helpful to note what level of stress you are experiencing. The most common is acute stress felt in a particular situation. Frequent acute stress comes with a predictable pattern, and chronic stress is the kind that eats away at you. Chronic stress is deep and pervasive, affecting your quality of life. It may feel like there is no easy way out of your predicament. The time needed and approach to remediation will depend on the level of stress you’re experiencing. Ideally, you work towards a more preventative stage, but any trend in the right direction is good.
Don’t Lose Hope!
Good self-care sets an example for your children. Observing self-care in a parent is one way to help children develop healthy habits to regulate through life’s stresses—everyone in the family benefits.
Certain life stages and situations are punctuated with greater intensity and chaos. Some are anticipated transitions, such as the birth of a sibling, changing schools, or moving house. Others may be a curveball for everyone in the family, such as a sudden loss or (in more recent history) a global pandemic.
Having good self-care habits will help you through more turbulent times. While you may not know the terrain ahead, you can have the tools and hard-earned experiences to make it through. As you strive for balance (or that seemingly fleeting sweet spot) in your family life, here are some helpful considerations to establish good preventative care:
Understand how stress affects you, your partner, and your child. Knowing both the triggers and how stress manifests is essential. It helps you be proactive in setting everyone up for success and changing pace when signs of stress appear. Sometimes stress signs are mental, with restless nights of worrisome thoughts, and others are more somatic, with physical stomachaches or headaches. Noticing these shifts allows you to adjust the environment and your expectations of one another to reduce the stress load.
Balance responsibilities and your needs. When balancing competing priorities, parents tend to forget themselves, especially moms or primary caregivers. Work, kids, and household management are covered, but you drop yourself out of the equation. This includes your physical health. Find physical ways to work out stress, whether walking, playing a sport, going to the gym, or an impromptu dance party or yoga in your living room. Make time for regular medical and physical checkups, too.
Recharge in any way possible (even if it is a short break) regularly. Take small, meaningful steps to get back in touch with who you are outside of your role as a parent, spouse, or professional. Find a purposeful outlet, an opportunity to apply your talents, skills, and interests to feel productive and purposeful outside of family life. Carve out regular times to do the things that recharge you. If time is short, begin with 20- to 30-minute windows a day or longer windows a few times a week. Go where you are less likely to get distracted or interrupted by familial responsibilities. I have seen parents in the most desperate situations find relief in a quiet closet (but hopefully, it doesn’t come down to that). Not everything needs to change at once. If it helps, take things a day at a time, a part of the day at a time, or even an hour at a time. Be kind to yourself.
Notice the positives and avoid negative thinking traps. Notice your feelings, but don’t dwell on them. Otherwise, they may snowball and lead to further anxiety. Taking a break from social media can help, as it is rife with curated, perfect impressions (that are only a part of reality) that can stand in stark contrast to your daily routine, leaving you even more disappointed or frustrated with your lot.
Find community and connection. Connect with your friends in person, over the phone, or via video. Incorporate meditation and mind-body techniques to connect within, too. It helps to gather strengths from others, who may also include a licensed mental health professional.
Redefine the “worth-it” moments. It may appear as though the “worth-it” moments of parenthood are a collection of the picturesque scenes that often dominate social media. However, worth-it moments are found in the full spectrum of parenting —not only the moments we share more openly or publicly but also the trying moments we speak of in more intimate settings and rarely capture in photographs. Private struggles and public-facing victories are both worth-it moments. We tend to share the more joyful moments because they remind us of why we chose to be parents and can keep us going in the more demanding times. However, it is worthwhile to value everything unseen or unspoken behind the more trying moments. We probably wouldn’t have those relishing victories without them. Both are important, both are worth it, and both are part of being a parent.
Recast challenges with gold. In Japanese kintsugi, what needs mending is done quite literally in gold, and a broken vessel is uniquely renewed with a new story and transformed into a treasured item. A kintsugi approach to life, particularly parenting, may be worth adopting and help to reinforce family resilience. Think of these moments as golden opportunities (lol).
United parenting. Try to find a collaborative and united approach to parenting with your partner or coparent. Having professional support to facilitate this process may be well worth it.
In addition to the above, here are tips tailored for parents with neurodivergent children:
Find time to bond. All children need connection and emotional safety, even if it doesn’t manifest in the typical ways that would be reinforcing, validating, or reciprocating for you. You may need to meet your child in their world or go into their interest areas. Regularly, find the time or way to do so. There are specific ways to achieve this, including more clinical approaches and child-led play.
Don’t try to “fix” your child — it adds stress for everyone. For example, if your child has social anxiety and is struggling to make friends, hosting a huge birthday party may not be the best way to help them or celebrate. It may result in more significant anxiety and pressure for them in social situations. You run around to coordinate this event and then spend it trying to calm your child or convince them to participate when they respond with overwhelm or avoidance.
Children see themselves through you, so make it positive (positive doesn’t have to be perfect). Celebrating their strengths is key to your child’s success and self-worth. Remember, differences can be beautiful too. Your child(ren) needs to hear and feel that you see them and recognize their value. Focus on the complete picture of your child’s strengths while carefully addressing challenges. Constant correcting and criticisms can undermine trust and increase anxiety; neither makes life easier in the family.
Advocate and educate. Take time to build relationships with teachers and caregivers, including close friends and family. While, initially, these individuals may not understand your child’s situation or what is truly helpful or supportive, that can change over time with patience and advocacy. If you’re lucky, close friends and family may help you with the backup care you need in a pinch.
Address challenges, but prioritize. Think ahead about what major transition or milestone is in the near distance for your child, and work purposefully and strategically to help them build the skills and experiences they will need to feel successful. When skills are scaffolded, children will be more willing to cooperate as activities are presented in a way that interests them with a bit of fun.
Trust your judgment, and don’t dismiss your genuine concerns. Regarding your child’s development, do not let others dismiss your concerns. Keep searching for answers if your concerns persist, but do so in a balanced way that does not overwhelm your child or give them the impression that there is something fundamentally off about them.
Find appropriate developmental support. Remember, you don’t necessarily need a referral. You can seek an initial evaluation from a speech and language therapist, occupational therapist, physical therapist, behavioral specialist, and other clinicians without an educational or pediatric referral. For parents in denial or finding it difficult to address challenges in their children, there is no harm in more information. More information may alleviate concerns or help you embrace them. Make sure the family, as a unit, has support, too — from family, friends, a particular interest group, or a faith-based community.
All parents deserve physical, mental, and emotional health and well-being! It’s a balance that rarely happens but is worth the effort. Seek the support and help you need or can get. Try to make it a subjective sliding scale instead of a contrasting one. All families have their particular situation, and comparing doesn’t make sense.
Some of the most complicated cases I’ve seen are where the need for support is unaddressed and the existence of neurodivergence unrecognized.
